I recently met with my daughter for coffee. One of the joys of parenting is to see them grow into loving, functional adults and to be able to engage them in adult conversation.
While discussing her marriage and my own, we discussed what I think are the three biggest killers of relationship in marriage and yes, I’ve been guilty of all three. No, I’m NOT a marriage counselor, and I don’t play one on TV. Sure, there are things like infidelity, spousal violence, lying and other things that can destroy a relationship outright, but these three seem to me to be ones that will chip away little by little, until there’s little real relationship left. It bears keeping in mind that these are three things that any of us can work on: it simply takes what defense experts call “situational awareness” and the desire to do relationship better each day. In this case, the best defense if to be self-aware, and to seek what’s best for the other.
The number one killer is expectations.
This is the biggest because we use it to judge others. When we have expectations of others, especially our spouse, we set them up for failure, because our expectations of them originate with US, not with them, and because of that, they will fail. They’ll fail every time. I meet with a spiritual director once a month. Paul is a (now) retired pastor who has helped me over the past four years by listening, asking questions and with the help of the Holy Spirit, guiding me in the Way of Jesus. It’s not been easy; a lot has happened over that span of time, but the biggest thing that he has helped me to do is to live in expectancy, rather than to have expectations. And he’s so right.
When I live in expectancy, I release my grasp on the world and what I think others should think, say or do. I release them to be themselves and I release myself from sitting in judgment over them. I begin to see the world and others through eyes of wonder instead of viewing them through a critical lens. There are surprises, yes, but that’s far better for me (and for them) than seeking to control them, and hey, who doesn’t like surprises?
The number two killer is assumptions.
At first glance one might be tempted to say that expectations and assumptions are the same, but they’re not. Yes, assumptions are a form of judgment, but they’re more like a set of one-sided conversations. Have you ever had a “conversation” with someone who talks and talks and talks without allowing you to respond, without allowing you to even slip a word in edgewise? That’s what assuming is like in a relationship. As my wife is want to point out: “To ASS-U-ME is to make an ‘ass out of you and me'”. When one assumes, it’s like telling someone what you want them to do, without getting their input. It’s very dictatorial… “Well, I assume you’re going to do such and such”. When I do that I’ve basically told the other person that I don’t care about what they think or value their input: I’m telling them what to do.
The number three killer is taking each other for granted.
Like the picture above says, everyone in my life and yours is there for a reason. Many would say that only chance is at play, but from my standpoint as a follower of Jesus, I know better: God is at work in my life to will and to work for His good pleasure.
My wife and I are both widows. Both of us experienced the extreme loss of a spouse. Both of us recognize that it’s God who’s brought us together. Simply put, we realize that what we have didn’t have to be: it’s not by chance or luck or good fortune that we discovered each other. Each day is an adventure that didn’t have to happen, and for that we’re both extremely grateful.
Taking another person for granted means that one no longer feels that there’s anything special in the relationship, that the other will always be there: there will always be a tomorrow. But I can tell you from personal experience, as can my wife, that there comes a day when this isn’t true, when you’re left alone. In the best of circumstances what needed to be said before the passing of a loved one has been said, but all too often there are too many unspoken words, too many unrealized dreams, always the thought that what needs to be said can be said tomorrow, until the time there are no more tomorrows left.
Those who are dear, the ones closest to you in relationship were put there for a purpose. In order to not take them for granted, live each day trying to look for that purpose, to discover the wonderful little things that make that person unique, truly “them”. Explore the differences and similarities and celebrate them for what they are: a miracle. The antidote for taking people for granted is to show gratitude. I believe that anyone, no matter what the relationship, who tries to put these things into practice will reap rewards far beyond the effort involved. My prayer is that each of you will discover the special people in your life and that you’ll grow in that relationship and bless those around you.
Fight the good fight: it’s worth it.
calvinvoices 